It's funny how so many times simple conversations can lead to blow out arguments. It happens when each person in the relationship is trying to prove that he or she is right, that his or her feelings are more valid, or that his or her way of handling the situation is better! It wasn't 'til recently that I heard something that totally revolutionized the way I handle 'discussions'.
Well known author & relationship specialist, John Gottman, shares that most arguments that take place in a relationship have & need no real 'winner.'
And, just because a couple argues a lot does not mean that they won't make it. I hope this gives some encouragement to those who are out there thinking, 'we're doooooooomed!' It's not about why you argue, it's about how you argue & how you grow through it. The question is, "Are you learning how to hear one another's heart?"
Women, let me help you understand something about men, we're slow... plain & simple. We need stuff to be broken down for us in bite size pieces when it comes to hearing your heart (but there are definitely exceptions to the rule so don't go telling your friend, coworker or husband, 'you're just slow'). It usually takes most of us men longer to process our emotions, empathize & hear your heart because we think & speak in ways that are different than yours. It doesn't mean that we can't or are not trying, it just takes some work.
|This Is Usually What Happens When|
We Try To Just 'Fix' The 'Issue'...
I often need to realize I don't 'need' to 'fix' anything & just because she is sharing her heart does not mean there is an 'issue' (help us men Jesus!).
Most men try to rationalize & fix pretty much everything... If the shoes fits, why do you need new ones? If the dress is wearable then it's still good, who cares if you wore it to 3 other parties with the same group of people? If your friends are hurting your feelings then confront them on it. If you want to feel better then sleep more, eat better & exercise, don't just talk about it. We often don't 'think' about or allow ourselves to 'feel' all the background stuff that goes into these things.
It's not that we don't feel, but it's often that we need to learn how to feel. And fellas, we don't have an excuse just because we think we're more 'logical.' Your logic isn't always right & many women out there are a lot more logical than you!
The sooner you both realize that it's not about always being right, the sooner you'll learn how to connect with
& appreciate each others hearts.
Again, this applies to your co-worker, friend, mom/dad, ministry team member, etc. Stop writing off what she is sharing as, "She is just being emotional..." & stop writing him off as just trying to 'fix' everything. Maybe the man needs to learn how to be a little more emotional & realize the way he thinks is not always right. And, maybe the woman needs to hear a different perspective & realize that her feelings are valid, but that doesn't mean they're right.
Either way, the goals of the conversation, discussion, argument or sharing time (whatever you want to call it) should not be to see whose opinions, ideas, feelings & perspectives are best. The goals should be growing in heart together, respecting one another more, loving one another more, appreciating one another more, coming to a solution together if necessary & maturing as one (remember you're on the SAME team!). Are you fighting well or are you just fighting? Do you walk away with a greater love & respect for one another or do you need to call an emotional ambulance for help? God created us different for a reason, both of us reveal who He is. I used to ask God, "Why does my wife think & feel so different?" But now I thank Him for the gifts of her differences.
When it comes down to it you need to ask yourself three questions,
1. How can we grow in greater love & understanding of one another through this?
2. What does God want to speak to us through this?
3. Does the argument really need a winner?